Posts have been light lately. I've been missing this, the sites I visit, all of you. I've just hit a lull in my energy. Maybe, a wall.
Definitely, it's been a struggle to write about food amidst the global crisis. I feel a bit of guilt putting recipes out there, posting on the many choices I have. There is that.
There is some personal stuff, too.
My grandfather has been fighting to come back from a broken hip at age 90. On my last visit, I was pretty sure that was it. He was barely conscious. I fed him thickened water with a spoon to try and get something in. He tried to talk, but couldn't. At one point, he grabbed my hand and pulled hard. I was not sure if he needed to move himself, or if he was pulling me to him. I just held his hand and touched his forehead. I shouted, "I love you" a couple times while he was awake. Then, the next pain pill came, and he was drifting off.
A lot goes through my mind at this point. There is the little girl in me who loved climbing on his lap, this loving grandfather. The time he took me on my first fishing trip. The way we used to sneak the last sip of his warm beer when we thought he wasn't looking. How he taught us to "cheat" our grandmother at cards.
One night, when staying over at their house, I heard my grandmother exclaim, "Dammit, Paul!" and heard a huge thump, then laughter. Grandpa had, uh, "pooted" as our Kiddo says, in bed, then pulled the covers over her head. She kicked him out, literally.
I thought about him being my last tie to the past, to my father and grandmother who are both gone. Two people who loved unconditionally and with their entire souls. About how small my family is becoming. How much I regret the times I did not call, did not visit. The better days that we did not share. The difficult days we did.
I also stared hard at the reality of 90. My grandfather was not much older than I am now when I was born. If genetics were kind, and I am lucky, I have still have less than 50 years ahead. What have I done with my life? Have I been of value? Have I made a difference?
I think I just need a few more evenings running and laughing in the yard with the Kiddo. Nights like tonight. Each minute I fall deeper in love with my child. The questions I can't answer fade away. All I can hear is her giggling.
Maybe that's answer enough.