Thursday, September 27, 2007

Thursday Thirteen: Thirteen Steps to a Healthier Mommy, Maybe

As I was lying in bed a couple weeks ago, wiped out from a double dose of joy — stomach flu and chest cold — I thought, maybe I should take better care of myself. But, how as a busy working mom with a small child? I did some research online (I typed "easy health tips" into Google) and here's some of the "ideas" I found from various sites. Only the first one is a factual tip, the rest are courtesy of the strange and uncensored world of the Internet. Do NOT take them seriously.
  1. Give up caffeine.
    Uh, no, not possible. Next?

  2. Every time you stop at a traffic light, tighten your thighs and butt muscles and release as many times as you can.
    Drivers, please ignore the strange constipated look on my face.

  3. Whenever you're standing in line, lift one foot a half-inch off the ground. Switch feet every few minutes.
    No, I do NOT have to pee. Unless it is the line for the bathroom.

  4. Never drive-thru, get out and park and walk to the fast food stop.
    Are we parking, what, 20 miles away to burn that meal choice?

  5. Circle the room when waiting for the meeting to start.
    Crazy, scary people get fired. Fired people walk to the fast food stop — to go to work.

  6. Keep mold out of your water bottle.
    Alright, that one is just disgusting.

  7. Got goose-bumpy skin on your buttocks? This is a symptom of magnesium deficiency.
    Gee, I just thought all the bumpy was cellulite. Great news!

  8. Think about sex, this usually very powerful ways to burn your spirit. (Text copied exactly, not mine).
    Um, just a guess, but English is not a first language here. But who cares when your spirit's all hot and bothered?!

  9. Allow yourself to sleep 15 minutes after lunch. This will improve your consentration and maintain your spirit to work.
    Same site as above including typos. If I nod off for fifteen at my desk after lunch, I'm down for the count. I am also fired (see fast food note). And, my spirit is already too busy burning from sexual fantasies to be maintained for work.

  10. If you get hungry you should chew gum. Some people just like to chew things.
    Can't say as though I ever get the urge to just chew. But then, I am not a Labrador retriever.

  11. Easy to follow breast health tip: Do exercises that involve the movements of your shoulders and build up your chest and upper arm strength regularly.
    We must, we must, we must increase the bust, the bigger the better, the tighter the sweater ...

  12. Making time for exercise is easy!
    Obviously, not a parent type. Making time for exercise IS important. Easy? No.

  13. Don't eat breaded deep fat fried foods: If it helps, think of how gross and greasy they are as all that saturated fat slides around in your blood vessels and gets trapped in your arteries!
    Yeah, that'll do it alright.
So, my best healthy tip? I probably could have gotten in a work out this last half hour instead of looking up all this stupidity. Laughing burns some calories. And my spirit is burning ... something. Or, it's just the tomatoes I left drying in the oven downstairs.


jen said...


yes. we should all do more of that (while drinking caffiene, in a drive through line)

Rachel said...

I love those articles that suggest you tighten you Keigels while, say, standing in line at the supermarket or waiting for an elevator. Ummmm.... nooo. People do not need to see me making that face.

Katherine Gray said...

So glad to know I'm not the only one who makes faces while doing Kegals.

I did give up most caffeine. It did not kill me, but then it was either that or totally collapse from adrenal gland burnout. B vitamins are a really good antidote to caffeine withdrawel.